I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
