someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
