just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
