A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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