This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
