Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
