i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize