i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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