omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
