My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
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One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
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I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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