I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
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Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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