My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
dude i'm inner monologue high
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
