my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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