the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
