You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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