How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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