I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
