its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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