You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
