My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
