I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
