if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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