You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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