You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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