OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Drunk is not a location!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
