sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
