Drunk walkin through police station. America
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
