Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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