But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
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That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
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I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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