he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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