First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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