I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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