So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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