the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
