Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
