Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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