i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
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And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
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WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
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