I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize