brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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