Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
