apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
