Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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