I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
