I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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