It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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