don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I want her autograph on my taint
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Randomize
