i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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