STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize