Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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