I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
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He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
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For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
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