Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
