You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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