Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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