I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
