I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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