Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
