Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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