The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
